In the face of the internet-breaking announcement that pop star Taylor Swift got engaged to Kansas City tight end Travis Kelce, normal Americans reacted in a myriad of healthy ways.
One popular response was excitement. In our dreary times, any good news, no matter how fluffy and inconsequential, is a welcome reprieve. The engagement photos were fun, and we can enjoy the promise of an even more extravagant wedding. Indifference is also an acceptable reaction. No one is obligated to care about pop culture ephemera — though I do question the motivations of our society’s grumpier old farts, who inevitably line up to shame those who are having a harmless good time with this. It’s also perfectly natural that some Swifties are debating whether true love will change their icon’s songwriting style, which has long been fueled by autobiographical details of heartbreak.
Then there was how MAGA pundits and influencers responded: By praying this would be the end of the alleged embargo on marriage being imposed by feminism-poisoned women. “Young women should get married just like Taylor Swift is planning to. You will be happier,” scolded Charlie Kirk, the founder of Turning Points USA. (At 35, Swift is six years older than the average bride in the U.S.) “I hope many other single people follow their example,” the Daily Wire’s Ben Shapiro tutted.
Popular far-right commenters, who often have their own millions of followers, latched onto this engagement like joy-killing leeches, with dreary comments about how “Taylor is a role model for many who could benefit from seeing a happily married couple.” Of course Christian nationalist types had to weigh in too, with statements like, “I hope Taylor Swift’s engagement inspires young women to see the joy and purpose in getting married.” Right-wing sociology professor Brad Wilcox tweeted, “Expect a spike in marriage,” which, in a sane world, would be the end of his reputation as a legitimate academic.
What none of these fools offered, however, was a single shred of evidence that young women are deliberately avoiding marriage, much less that Swift herself was somehow discouraging it. (I sometimes DJ at weddings, and I can assure you that Swift’s music always gets the celebrants dancing.)
What none of these fools offered, however, was a single shred of evidence that young women are deliberately avoiding marriage, much less that Swift herself was somehow discouraging it. (I sometimes DJ at weddings, and I can assure you that Swift’s music always gets the celebrants dancing.) Yes, it’s true that marriage rates have declined somewhat in recent decades, although there was a boost in 2022 as weddings delayed by the pandemic finally happened. It’s also true that, on average, women prioritize getting married less than men, and are more willing to say they are happy with being single.
But none of this is because women are categorically rejecting men or marriage. Time and again, surveys show women are open to falling in love and getting married — if the right person comes along. It’s flat-out false that feminists are encouraging young women to turn their noses up at good men. Nor is it true that women are rejecting marriage as an institution. If anything, it’s a sign of how much women respect marriage that they don’t want to enter it lightly. The only thing that’s changed is that, due to increased educational and career opportunities, women can hold out for love instead of settling for an unhappy union out of financial desperation. For people who claim to want marriages to be healthy and happy, that should be a good thing. Instead, MAGA apostles do nothing but gripe about women who have enough self-worth to wait for a man — another woman would of course be out of the question — who respects them.
What’s funny is that Swift and Kelce offer the feminist dream that young women want. Swift is the opposite of the “tradwife” fantasy that’s popular on the right: A woman who marries young and leaves public life for a life of constant childbearing and financial dependence on her husband. Is there any doubt that Taylor Swift will continue to work after she marries? For his part, Kelce is an almost too-perfect model of what feminists want in male partners. He’s not resentful of his finacée’s success or independence. On the contrary, he is loudly proud of her and her accomplishments, so much so that she announced her upcoming album on his podcast.
If these conservative commentators were really serious about boosting marriage rates, they’d worry less about lecturing women and instead tell their majority male audiences to be more like Kelce — supportive and self-sufficient. As Anna Louise Sussman wrote in the New York Times in 2023, it’s men, on average, who are failing to hold it together enough to make marriage work, not women. Research shows men are more likely to be unreliable partners, both economically and emotionally. Women should not have to settle for men who cheat on them, or abandon, abuse or exploit them in unequal relationships. That there aren’t enough men out there to meet that bare minimum is not the fault of women.
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As feminist writer Lyz Lenz wrote at Men Yell At Me, “The fantasy that Swift and Kelce are selling isn’t romance; it’s not even equality. It’s a fantasy world where a woman can be successful and her partner won’t be mad about it.”
The women who were crying or otherwise expressing heavy emotions at the news of the couple’s engagement weren’t suddenly deciding they were okay with marriage after all. They were feeling overwhelmed by how badly they want a decent marriage, and frustrated by how elusive such a thing can be.
But there’s no money to be had telling men to grow up, already. On the contrary: Grifters like Kirk and Shapiro have built large audiences by pandering to the egos of pathetic men, telling them the reason they’re single is those meanie feminists have tricked all the hot girls into boycotting romance. Kirk in particular revealed the almost breathtaking contempt he has for his incel-infected audience, by rolling out this fantasy for them on his podcast that the presence of a wedding ring would somehow erase Swift’s feminism. Marriage, he assured his audience, will “change your politics,” and he speculated that Swift would go from a “cat lady to a JD Vance supporter.” He then “advised” the pop star — who is definitely not listening — to “submit to your husband, Taylor. You’re not in charge.”
This is all nonsense, and not just because Swift isn’t giving up her cats. It’s unlikely that Kirk is deluded enough to think that Swift has any intention of hanging up her guitar to play housewife to a man who, at 35, is facing retirement from a career that has a much shorter shelf life than a musician’s. Instead, Kirk is cynically manipulating his male audience. If these guys shaped up and started treating women better, they might find that their relationships would be more successful. If more men stopped wallowing in fantasies of capturing submissive tradwives and learned to just appreciate women as full human beings, that would be great not just for those guys, but also for society. That simple change in mindset would reduce loneliness and increase stability, which conservatives say they want. But then it would also lessen polarization and alienation, which is what MAGA influencers depend on to build their audiences. That’s their game: Right-wing pundits encourage self-harm in their audiences, and they laugh all the way to the bank while doing it.
And yes, it’s also true that Swift makes money by packaging her life as entertainment. But she’s earning bank by sending a message of self-respect to her audience. In a world where it seems everything seems grosser and scammier all the time, we should be glad that there’s at least one star who is doing well by selling positivity. That, and not “tradition,” is why normal people are wishing the happy couple well.
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