Ben Stiller’s love letter to the people who made him laugh the most

Are you a “Seinfeld” person or a “The King of Queens” person? Sure, the two sitcoms might not have that much in common at first glance; the first is revered as one of the greatest shows in the history of television, and the second is a reasonably conventional, slovenly-husband-and-his-hot-wife comedic farce. But fans of both programs know they share a very important crossover, something so similar and significant that it puts them on a level playing field, at least for sitcom connoisseurs: Jerry Stiller.

With “Seinfeld,” Stiller reignited the spark in his comedy career after a handful of dramatic roles, and let his wife and longtime creative partner, Anne Meara, bask in the spotlight without him. As Frank Costanza, the temperamental father of Jason Alexander’s George Costanza, Stiller’s boisterous personality and comic timing stole scenes and scored the actor an Emmy nomination, 40 years into his career. And although Stiller planned to retire after “Seinfeld” ended in 1998, Kevin James persuaded Stiller to join “The King of Queens” soon after, playing Arthur Spooner, a character almost identical to Frank, but with far more screentime. Playing the basement-dwelling, unpredictable father to Leah Remini’s sharp-tongued New Yorker, Carrie Heffernan, Stiller had the opportunity to flex both his dramatic and comedic muscles, earning his place in the show’s ensemble instead of being relegated to a bit player. Before “The King of Queens” bowed in 2007, Stiller remarked, “This was an opportunity for me, for the first time, to test myself, because I never saw myself as more than just a decent actor.”

Perhaps you can tell by now, but I grew up in a “King of Queens” household, raised on reruns and DVD box sets that were handled so frequently on summertime lake trips that they never had the chance to collect even a speck of dust. My adolescent memories ring with the sounds of Stiller admonishing his son-in-law and crying mutiny at a shopping mall pretzel shop. When Meara would recur on the show as Veronica, a woman pining after Arthur, it was my dad who explained to me the real-life connection between the two actors, and their decades-long personal and working relationship that began with their comic sketch duo, Stiller & Meara, in the 1960s. What was fascinating wasn’t just that the pair perfected a bickering comedy style long before “The King of Queens” began, but that they could convincingly play hostile toward each other for so many years, and not have that animosity bleed into their relationship when the cameras went down.

As their son Ben Stiller’s (you may have heard of him) new documentary about his parents suggests, that wasn’t always the case in real life. Even when your love is the subject of your art, captured on camera for decades, things behind the scenes are never quite as idyllic as one might think. But Stiller’s film, “Stiller & Meara: Nothing Is Lost,” is not so much intent on revealing secret truths as it is preserving them exactly as they happened, offering the viewer a simplistic but sweet portrait of a marriage, in the form of an intimate love letter to his parents. Stiller has pared down hours of archival footage, diaries, letters and recorded tapes to craft something that will speak volumes to both Stiller & Meara fans and anyone missing a parent, eager to revel in that singular kind of familial love that feels so much sharper once someone is gone. And while the film’s hyper-personal nature ultimately dulls some of its thrust, “Stiller & Meara: Nothing Is Lost” functions beautifully as a charming tale of true love, cast in amber.

Conceived when Stiller and his sister, Amy, finally began the process of selling their childhood home in New York’s Upper West Side following Anne’s death in 2015 and Jerry’s in 2020, “Nothing Is Lost” is as much a tribute to the city as it is to their parents. Jerry and Anne met in New York in 1953 and were married one year later, eventually becoming one of the city’s premier comedy acts. Though Anne’s background was in drama, Stiller convinced her to use her natural comedic chops in their two-person show, playing up their differences for New York’s melting pot audiences. Some of their most well-known bits, like “Computer Dating,” came from hyperbolizing their backgrounds, with Jerry emphasizing his Jewish roots and Anne accentuating her Irish-Catholic heritage. On stage, they could jump between being affectionate and combative in a flash, finding the humor in hyper-specific yet universal situations. Viewers in New York and all across America fell in love with their spots on “The Ed Sullivan Show,” and soon enough, the two became a headlining act.

(Apple TV+) Ben Stiller and Amy Stiller in “Stiller & Meara: Nothing is Lost”

But as Stiller points out in the documentary, his parents both had their own relationship to their work. Anne was more candid and improvisational, while Jerry would rehearse for hours to make sure he had every line delivery perfect, down to the cadence of an individual word. And while Jerry’s perfectionism had a toll on their creative process, it also fueled it, making way for more neurotic characters that Anne could play straight against. Stiller mentions throughout the film that he and his sister were occasionally witnesses to household tensions, arguments that they couldn’t always designate as fake — just rehearsals for a new bit — or legitimate. Yet, despite the strain that fame put on their marriage, Anne and Jerry remained painfully, passionately, head-over-heels in love. In one section, the Stiller children read from letters that their parents sent back and forth while out of town working on individual projects, each letter describing in detail how fervently they missed one another (with the occasional line not meant for their kids’ eyes).

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In a fascinating parallel, Stiller draws comparisons between his parents’ dynamic and his own fractured attempts at balancing family and fame. Production began on the film just after Stiller and his wife, Christine Taylor, moved back in together at the start of the pandemic, three years after their initial separation. Their reconciliation came just as Stiller was beginning to sift through decades of nostalgia, dredging up memories about how he felt when his parents weren’t present for parts of his childhood. Throughout the process, Stiller comes face-to-face with the promises he made to his own children that he couldn’t keep, and begins to ask larger questions about whether it’s possible to maintain an air of familial normalcy when one or both parents are in the acting business.

But as Stiller admitted at the film’s premiere during the New York Film Festival earlier this month, “Nothing Is Lost” is less about the questions one asks when they’re grieving, and more about figuring out how to accept the parts of life one simply can’t change. The film is not designed to lob big revelations to viewers, and doesn’t dive any deeper than it needs to into Anne and Jerry’s imperfections. When Stiller talks about his mother’s drinking, it’s discussed as an accepted, everyday matter of life that the family saw her battle with and eventually overcome. In this way, Stiller seeks to destigmatize and, thus, forgive, without ever saying it quite so plainly. Death leaves so many things unresolved as it is. Why cling to the things that don’t need further tending when that time could be spent in celebration instead?

(Apple TV+) Ben Stiller and Anne Meara Stiller in an archival image from “Stiller & Meara: Nothing is Lost”

That said, Stiller’s slightly Pollyanna approach does feel ironically cold at times, as if there are things he’s holding back, whether for the sake of preserving his parents’ memories or to keep hold of his own privacy. An earnest viewer can’t fault him for either reason, but circumventing some of the more frank aspects of his parents’ relationship leaves the film with some verve to be desired. There are also a few glaring omissions, like the fact that Anne and Jerry costarred in Joan Micklin Silver’s underseen 1999 dramedy, “A Fish in the Bathtub,” where the couple played a more acutely written version of the classic Stiller & Meara act. Though some shots from Silver’s film make it into a montage toward the end of “Nothing Is Lost,” it’s a shame that Stiller chose to overlook the movie’s incisive portrait of a marriage 40 years in, and all of the resentment that can be built up from a prolonged lack of communication between partners. Perhaps Stiller was afraid that viewers would see the film as an incorrect portrayal of his parents’ relationship, or maybe Silver’s film was more accurate than Stiller would like us to know. Or, it could be that there was just too much footage to choose from in the editing process. Whatever the reason, it’s a shame that one of the couple’s final collaborative works — a very sweet and realistic tale of give-and-take — is all but missing from the documentary about their relationship.

Still, I’d be reluctant to say “Stiller & Meara: Nothing Is Lost” has much oversight. The beauty of the film is that it is from the perspective of a family, two parents and two children, gingerly wading through the past and picking up keepsakes to bring. This may be a personal story of love and loss, but in an age when self-importance drives isolation, it’s wonderful and even edifying to see how Jerry and Anne found ways to practice compromise in their relationship, even if it meant that their love wouldn’t be as perfect as it seemed on television. Love, after all, isn’t devoid of sacrifice. Real love means surrendering your heart and trusting someone else to keep it safe. And with “Nothing Is Lost,” Stiller has carved out a comfortable place to keep his parents’ love safe forevermore.